1) It shares all of its symptoms with some of the most common conditions out there. The guy that discovered it was a hypercondriac, everyone that contracted it was a hypercondriac and the only actual outbreak is an outbreak of the internets. The real news is that tamiflu is an antiviral drug which can help hypercondriacs. Speaking as a hypercondriac who has diagnosed himself as having been suffering from swine flu for the past week (btw : this means you’re probably about safe from me now) my first thought was I wonder if this means I can get a stronger placebo.

2) Swine don’t actually get swine flu

3) British people are better off than most. Apart from the nausea and vomiting the worst symptoms are feeling like you can only eat very boring meals. So no change there then for the Brits

4) There is a really good joke about swine flu I heard somewhere. “I thought that pigs couldn’t fly but then I read in the news: Swine flu”

5) More people die from diarrhoea, annoying their doctor, bad television and poor news coverage.